And now…

Life post PhD submission has been strange. Confusion is the word that describes it best. The type of confusion felt when one’s head has been chopped off, hanged on a mount and left there for the body to grow back again from it. A superhero comes to mind, was it Deadpool? The un-killable one who grows fresh body parts post life taking injuries. That seems right.
The most consistent activity in the past few weeks has been doing loads of exercise and cooking – to help the body grow and feel itself again. With no status, no external project or stakeholders (I mean those were few and far between during the PhD as well), life feels like an endless space of scary posibilities. In the moments of despair it feels infinitely lonely, tiresome and hard. In the moments of hope I see space for somatic voice-work, for ADHD-led spaces of learning, for music improvisation informed by the nervous system. The world needs these things and I can give them to it.
Today I felt for the first time since the end of the PhD that what I am does not belong to the PhD nor does it also end with it. What I am, I am because I do. I act this being, I practice, champion and live this being. I support this being to be by continuously doing it. Gah, words are limited. And you won’t find me lingering in cryptic artist-speech now or ever. But the feelings! The feelings are real, vibrant, alive, lifegiving. So I shall proceed in growing this new body from the severed head, feeling feeling and feeling some more.